Tuesday, 10 January 2012


The following is an almost word by word transcript of a phone conversation I had not long ago. It has nothing to do with EMS, ambulances or anything such like, except for the fact that the conversation took place when I was woken up by the phone ringing less than an hour after going to bed after a night shift. 

It was a conversation between ColdCaller (CC) and a slightly disgruntled, but surprisingly ever calm InsomniacMedic (IM). For the purposes of this conversation, IM lives at 123 High Street, Neartown, Z99 9ZZ. 


IM: Unintelligible... "Hello?" 

CC: Overseas call pause and click... "Is this Mr IM?" 

IM: "Who's this?" 

CC: "This is Bill from PPI International. I'm calling you to help save you money."

IM: "Whatever you're selling, I'm not buying." 

CC: "I'm not selling anything sir. I'm offering you a service."

IM: "And what service might that be?" 

CC: "Like I said, I'm calling to help you save money, by claiming back payments on a loan that you shouldn't have made."

IM: "Which loan would that be?" 

CC: "You know the one, the loan you took out some time ago." 

IM: "Hedging your bets there, aren't you?" 

CC: "I'm sorry, I don't understand."

IM: "Never mind. Can you tell me the name of your company again please and where you're based?" 

CC: "PPI International, and our headquarters are in Karachi." 

IM: "And you're not selling anything, just offering a service, right?" 

CC: "Correct." 

IM: "Is this a free service?" 

CC: "Well, no, it is not free, we charge a fee." 

IM: "So you are selling something then?"

CC: "It is not selling, it is providing a service for a fee." 

IM: "Right. OK then. And who's the CEO of your company?" 

CC: "Why do you ask?" 

IM: "I like to know about any company which randomly calls and offers to help me. I just want to do some research and make sure that you are who you say you are." 

CC: "The CEO is Mr Khan." 

IM: "You say that your HQ is in Karachi. Where exactly is your office?" 

CC: "You want to know where my office is?" 

IM: "Exactly. Where do you go every day to make these phone calls?"

CC: "I'm not sure of the exact address." 

IM: "You don't know where you go to work every day?" 

CC: "I know where I go, I just don't know the address." 

IM: "I'll ask you one more time, and if you can't answer the question, I'm hanging up. Where do you go to work every day?" 

CC: Short pause. "OK, I don't normally give out my work address, but it is 123 High Street, Neartown."

IM: "Pardon? Can you repeat that? And tell me the postcode too please." 

CC: "My work address is 123 High Street, Neartown, Z99 9ZZ." 

IM: "You're sure? That's your work address? That's where you start and finish every working day?" 

CC: "Yes, that's right." 

IM: "Well then, how do you like your coffee???" 

CC: "Umm... Err..." Click, Beeeep

Moral of the story? Never, never, wake up an already sleep-deprived insomniac. 


Anonymous said...

If only there *was* a person. All I get is automation!

jen emd said...

oh why did you not post this a week ago... then I could have done the same when they rang me ;-)

MSgt B said...

I usually just hang up, but every now and then I start in on them.

"You sure do sound pretty. What are you wearing?"

Works best if it's a guy.

Anonymous said...

MSgt B - brilliant, i'm gonna do that next time!

MK said...

A couple days ago, I was having a terrible day. I was sleep deprived and hungry too, so that just made me that much more irritable. I get a phone call from a number I don't recognize, although I did know the area code. Thinking it was my out of state friend, I answered.

Intrusive Lady: Hello! I'm from XYZ College, doing a study on cell phone users. Thank you for your time! Are you a college student?"

Mk: huh? Um, yes?
(the thought of hanging up hadn't entered my mind just yet.)

IL: ok, thanks. And....(insert expletive here) my computer is having problems. Oh you WOULD die now, wouldn't you! Sorry. You sounded very nice. Good bye.

And she hung up on me. And I was confused, amused, and surprised all at once.

Dan said...

Next time ANYONE calls selling stuff, and you have the time, be really happy they called, tell them you are certainly interested, and fill out the stuff. When it comes to payment, give them your card number, but do it wrong.

When they say it's not going through, give them the number again, but do it wrong again.

And when they say it's still not going through, give them a different number, but wrong. Keep changing one digit. Eventually, they cry and apologise they can't help you.

For the 40 minutes you've pissed them around, you've saved others from their misery :D

For added points - keep pausing to sort out the kids: "I won't be a sec" then potter around for a minute, then go back and carry on ;)

Anonymous said...

Telemarketing Counterscript: http://egbg.home.xs4all.nl/counterscript.html
I took a cold-caller halfway down the page last week before she hung up on me.

Rach said...

I was getting plagued by scam calls and rather than cut off the phone during work hours (which wasn't really an option as I have ill rellies), I bought one of these:
It forces callers to give their names and means you can "zap" cold / scam callers very politely.
I've not felt so relaxed working from home for quite some time!

Take it easy from a long time lurker,

Rach x

lucymedic said...

brilliant :)