Friday, 16 September 2011

Due Date

"Hello, ambulance service, what's the emergency?"

"Quick, my baby is coming!"

"Is the baby coming now?"

"Yes! Quick!"

A rapid response unit is dispatched from the nearest ambulance station, its driver preparing in his mind to add another delivery to his tally. Arriving no more than three minutes later, and rushing with multiple items to the front door, I am met by the lady in question and stupidly, ask the obvious.

"Is the ambulance for you?"

"Yes! Quick! The baby is coming."

The young lady in question is in no distress, and is having no contractions.

"When's the baby due?"


The calls to ambulance control are numbered, resetting to call number 1 at midnight. This is call number 3. The call start time is only a few seconds after the witching hour. 

"I understand that you think the baby is coming now, but why do you think that? Are you having contractions? Have your waters broken? Do you feel like you need to push?"

"I don't understand what you're asking me. Talk to him. I just need to get to the hospital!"

"Is he your partner?" 

"No. He's my babyfather." Babyfather. I never get used to hearing that. 

He doesn't utter a word, just hands over the yellow book, it's corners dog-eared and cover stained, and the expected delivery date hand-written in the top corner. He points repeatedly to the date as he shoves the book into my hands. Through gritted teeth and a look of disdain he mutters the only words he would say. 

"The book says it's today, so it's today. Now just take her to the damn hospital." 

"Is this your first baby?"

"Mine, yes. Him, not. He's got four. Well, will have today." 

"You do realise that just because the due date is today, doesn't automatically mean that that's when the baby will be born? It's just an estimated due date!" 



"Oh. But that's why I waited 'til midnight to call!"

"As it happens, most babies aren't born on their due date at all. You need to go into labour first. You know, contractions and stuff." 

"Oh. But it's the due date. So can you take me to the hospital?" 


Deborah said...

God, that's depressing

Ross said...

I feel so sorry for the child.

JessBr00ks said...

OMG!!!!! I WISH it happened like that (being 13 days past EDD and all)

InsomniacMedic said...

Deborah and Ross - I know...
Jess - Oh wow! 13 days??? This country won't normally let you go past 12... Good luck :)

Anonymous said...


CSI Guy said...

People never cease to amaze me.

Anonymous said...

Just when you thought you'd heard it all - beggars belief!
Dear me. haha.
(btw sorry to be daft but how can I register to comment please)

Anonymous said...

You can't cure stupid and you should never try to reproduce from it!

Anonymous said...

As with so so many times, I really wish I could say I don't believe it. But sadly I do.

SazzyMCH said...

Oh man. There are no words for how angry/sad/depressed that makes me L(

ParamedicBlues said...

Reading this from the other side of The Pond, it's at least slightly encouraging to know breeding is a universally popular means of "cheap" (a.k.a. socially sustained) entertainment, and is not just limited to my first in district.

manchesteregg said...

ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha (owww stop this laughing it hurts) ha ha ha ha ha ha (emergency egg picks self of floor), absolutely brilliant. I Thought it was just me that gets these maternataxi randoms quite clearly not.
cheered me up no end my friend, I look forward to the next installment

Be Safe

TAZ THE AMBO said...

You need a license to Drive but not to breed.

Anonymous said...

I want to go bang my head against the wall, and i wasnt even faced with that.

Anonymous said...

Jesus suffering f***. God help the child if the mum is that dumb, that's all I can say. I don't know whether to shake my head or cry. I may try both!

Code Status said...

As much as it pains me to say this, better this scenario then the ones that call at the last minute, with known complications.

JessBr00ks said...

Just to update, delivered after induction at 16 days post due date. Healthy 9lb 3oz boy :o)

You're right, they don't like you going past 12 days overdue, but I'm a stubborn wotsit!

No maternataxi required ;o)