Friday, 26 November 2010

Worldwide Alert

The threat of international terrorism is rising worldwide. More is being done to prepare the common person for this threat, as governments the world over are trying to defeat it. The way your government is dealing with it, depends on where you are in the world. Here are the latest updates from the International Ministry of Funny Farms:

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats, and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved". Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross". The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940, when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance". The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards". They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender". The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing". Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides".

The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs". They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose".

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Americans meanwhile, and as usual, are carrying out pre-emptive strikes on all of their allies "just in case".

Canada doesn't have any alert levels.

New Zealand has raised its security levels - from "baaa" to "BAAAA". Due to continuing defense cutbacks, New Zealand has only one more level of escalation, which is "I hope Australia will come and rescue us".

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be right, mate". Three more escalation levels remain: "Crikey!", "I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend" and "The barbie is cancelled". So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.
Have a safe, peaceful and smiley weekend - and Happy Thanksgiving weekend to our American brethren.
Edit: I wish I could say this was my own work, but it isn't. It was sent to me, and I felt it was too good not to share...


Anonymous said...

I though France have already increased their level up to collaborate. With us brits if I remember correctly.


PAul said...

I prefer the muppet scale.
Statler/Waldorf, Fozzie, Gonzo (the Great), Sam (the Eagle), Miss Piggy (Hi YAH!), Animal

This week the terror level is ... Gonzo

Unlimited-Unscheduled Hours said...

Nice piece, good writing. I needed a chuckle, thanks.

Josh said...

You could have said Canada remained at there only threat level of "Eh"

Lizzie said...

LOL, that's so Canadian! I think Josh is partially right though. The first threat level is "Meh." The second is "Eh!" The third, and final, is "Eh! You're going make me come out of my nice warm igloo? You'll pay for this!"

Fee said...

I did hear the Swiss are sharpening the knife blades, too ...

CdnCowgirl said...

Thanks for the good chuckle! Though I wish Canada had a treat level like "Eh your making me get off the chesterfield and missing the hockey game. Your going to pay"

Anonymous said...

Laughing hard! Thanks from a Yank.