Wednesday, 24 February 2010

Just For a While

I beg your indulgence, just this once. This is not an ambulance based post, but a personal one. This is a very rare show of emotion, and no-one will be more surprised to read it than those who know me best. If you choose to wait for normality to resume, feel free to skip this one.
If you stay here and read on, thank you.
*****
I'm a grown man. Not necessarily grown-up, but definitely grown.
I'm a father, an older brother.
I have a life of my own, a family of my own.
I'm supposed to be the responsible adult around.
I have a grown-up's job,
A responsible job, caring for other people.
Holding their lives in my hands at times.
And yet, I am still a child.
All that I am, I am because of, not despite the fact that I am that child.
At least, I am the adult product of who that child was.
That child who was taught always to care, and learnt it from first-hand experience.
That child who was provided with all the warmth and attention one could crave.
That child who, throughout their life, received all the support one could ask for.
Good ideas applauded, bad decisions discussed.
Life choices, career choices, always welcomed and embraced, be they expected or not.
I couldn't have, wouldn't have, asked for it to be any different.
Today, every day, I am thankful for it all.
Today, every day, I am grateful for it all.
Today, I am dreading tomorrow.
Tomorrow is the second anniversary.
Tomorrow, especially tomorrow, I suspect that for a while, I'll revert to being that child.
For a while.
Tomorrow, just for a day, I'll spend a while in reflective thought.
Just a while.
Tomorrow, just for a day, just for a while, I'll be a Mummy's boy again.
Just for a while.

21 comments:

Anonymous said...

I sometimes forget to tell you what you mean to me and the children and how we will be there for you to lean on tomorrow instead of us always leaning on you.

We love you very much.

Mrs Insomniac Medic x

mack505 said...

No shame, Ben. We're all human first, medics and whatever else second.

medic999 said...

Beautiful writing my friend. You dont need to say any more for us to understand what tomorrow is, and you shouldnt apologise for sharing these thoughts.

We should all feel privileged to be allowed into your feelings.

I will be thinking of you tomorrow.

teamvaughan said...

Beautiful x

Hull 02 said...

No shame at all, I'm sure all of us who read your blog regularly will be thinking of you.

Nikki said...

I read your blog often. Will be thinking of you x

Just Me said...

Breathtaking. I'll be thinking of you tomorrow. Thank you for sharing.

Fee said...

I'll be thinking of you tomorrow. It's been 20 years since I was Daddy's girl, but it's never gone away.

Have a virtual hug.

Anonymous said...

Your post brought tears to my eyes. I share in your grief, my Brother, although we have never met. It's been a month, and I wish I was my Daddy's little boy again.

May your memories and your loved ones give you the strength you need, today and to the end of days.

-NJDiveMedic

Anonymous said...

Will be the 9th June this year for me, and the 1st one. Miss her all the time but she made me the person I am.

Molliemallone said...

Big hugs Ben. My heart fills with dread whenever I contemplate the possibility of my parents dying. Whilst I count myself very fortunate not to know how you are feeling, I can try to imagine, and for that reason I will keep you and your Mum in my thoughts and prayers xxx

Hotflash said...

Ben,

I haven't been following your blog long enough to "know" you yet, but I want you to know that the love you show in this and the loss you share is very touching. I am honored to have the privilege of sharing your thoughts in this way. My thoughts and prayers are with you as you face this anniversary and all it means to you. What a wonderful Mum she was to you is apparent by who you turned out to be. Take care and here are some E-hugs for you! X X X

RapidResponseDoc said...

Ben,

Your words hit the spot as usual. For me, 2 weeks ago was my 11th, and I still lean so heavily on MrsRRD. Without our own Mrs's this would be so much harder. I wish you, your brother and all your family a Long Life. Thinking of you today

Joe said...

Thank you for sharing Ben, it takes a lot of strength to open up like that, even to close friends and family, never mind the whole world!

I haven't been reading for very long, and I can't claim in any way, shape or form to know you. But what I do know is that your mum clearly did a very good job in raising you, and it's clear that she would have been very proud of you.

Keeping you in my thoughts during this difficult time.

Anonymous said...

wish you long life on this sad yahrzeit

Anonymous said...

Thank you, couldn't have been more timely, 6 years and 3 weeks since my Mum went & yesterday my Dad joined her. Thank you for articulating what I really can't just now, but is exactly how I feel. My heart is heavy for you too.
x Christine

debramalka said...

This brought tears to my eyes and although I can't possibly know how you feel, I do know one thing:-

You are a great husband, father, brother and son-in-law and last but certainly not least you will also always be a wonderful son. xx

InsomniacMedic said...

All,

I was truly humbled and touched by all your kind words.
The day itself has passed, the feelings never will. I thank you all for allowing me to share, and cannot thank you more for caring.

Ben

Anonymous said...

You are in the wring job my friend. No professional writer, author, poet could have said it better

Tee Cee

Anonymous said...

Beautifully put. No explanation or apology needed. You're clearly the sort of decent human being we'd all hope to have attending to us in a medical emergency. My own second anniversary was on February 14th. Keep up the good work, and the writing.

dizzyblonde said...

Today was the fourth anniversary of my Father's death.I'm in the middle of my blue light training on roads where he taught me to drive 27 years ago. Bitter sweet memories.Nice to know I'm not alone